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Photographic Project: Survivors Of Narcissistic Abuse
Project Status: Completed]
[Part of our NARCISSISTIC ABUSE MATTERS CAMPAIGN 2018 - 2019 #NAMUK
This profound photographic project was a compassionate initiative designed to illuminate the strength and resilience of individuals who have overcome narcissistic abuse and coercive control. Through a series of compelling portraits and accompanying narratives — enriched by insights from psychotherapists, counsellors, legal professionals, and experts in the field — the project aimed to:
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Give a powerful presence and voice: To the often-hidden struggles of this profound relational trauma.
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Challenge stigma: Foster understanding and empathy, helping to break down isolation for individuals impacted by narcissistic abuse and coercive control.
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Inspire hope: Showcase the journey of healing and the possibility of thriving beyond abuse.
The project was initiated by photographer Phil, whose passion for awareness and visibility shaped its ethos: to shine a light on the complexities and dynamics of narcissistic abuse through creative storytelling.
The powerful photographs and narratives from this project were added online to our website, serving as a lasting testament to the courage of individuals and The Echo Society's commitment to raising awareness and facilitating healing.
It all started in a whirlwind romance. He couldn't do enough for me and wanted to be with me all the time.
It all started in a whirlwind romance. He couldn't do enough for me and wanted to be with me all the time. We moved in together and were engaged within 3 months. He bought me lovely presents and would take me to and from work. I just thought he was being an attentive, loving partner. If I didn't finish work on time he would get angry and start accusing me of things. We would drive in silence all the way home.
Then as we became closer, I seemed to have less and less contact with my friends. He wanted us to do everything together and was always really happy if it was just the two of us. If my friends came around he would be rude and dismissive. He would go into another room and not socialise. I was always left apologising for him and feeling embarrassed. But when it was the other way around, I was expected to be polite and friendly. When I brought up his behaviour, he would argue that I was being rude and imagining him being rude to my friends.
He wanted to know my every move - who I spoke to and what I was doing. But if I asked him about what he was doing, he would change the subject and avoid answering any of my questions. He would come and go as he pleased and I was not allowed to ask about his whereabouts.
He would shout at me, if I answered back or tried to have my own opinion which he didn't like, I would be accused of being disrespectful. He would give me the silent treatment or he would stay with his mother. This could last for up to seven days. I had to stroke his ego, apologise, be very nice and submissive before he would speak to me again. I had to take full responsibility and blame for the falling out / argument. It was all my fault. I felt like I was going crazy because I hadn't done anything wrong.
Fortunately I left him. I have a fantastic partner now, who I can be myself with and we can discuss and explore our differences. We have a healthy relationship.
Then as we became closer, I seemed to have less and less contact with my friends. He wanted us to do everything together and was always really happy if it was just the two of us. If my friends came around he would be rude and dismissive. He would go into another room and not socialise. I was always left apologising for him and feeling embarrassed. But when it was the other way around, I was expected to be polite and friendly. When I brought up his behaviour, he would argue that I was being rude and imagining him being rude to my friends.
He wanted to know my every move - who I spoke to and what I was doing. But if I asked him about what he was doing, he would change the subject and avoid answering any of my questions. He would come and go as he pleased and I was not allowed to ask about his whereabouts.
He would shout at me, if I answered back or tried to have my own opinion which he didn't like, I would be accused of being disrespectful. He would give me the silent treatment or he would stay with his mother. This could last for up to seven days. I had to stroke his ego, apologise, be very nice and submissive before he would speak to me again. I had to take full responsibility and blame for the falling out / argument. It was all my fault. I felt like I was going crazy because I hadn't done anything wrong.
Fortunately I left him. I have a fantastic partner now, who I can be myself with and we can discuss and explore our differences. We have a healthy relationship.
Christine Louis de Canonville is a luminary author, speaker, psychotherapist and expert on narcissism
Christine Louis de Canonville is a luminary author, speaker, psychotherapist and expert on narcissistic abuse. Her book ‘The Three Faces of Evil’ unmasks the full spectrum of narcissistic abuse and the consequences for their victims. In her native Ireland, Christine has trained over 1,000 psychotherapists to work with victims of narcissistic abuse - a truly awesome feat.
Her new book called “When Shame Begets Shame” reveals how narcissists hurt and project their shame on to their victims. Here, Christine kindly shares some of her wisdom with us…
::: People pleasing :::
“In every narcissistic relationship, one will find both the pathological narcissist (perpetrator) and their victim partners in a convoluted dance. It is the job of the victim to ‘cooperate’ with their pathological narcissist, and to serve them (to caretake and validate them) in many ways. This is an unspoken contract that every narcissist expects their victim to honour. Children growing up with narcissist abuse unconsciously learn to use appeasement (i.e. being pleasing and passive, etc.) in the hopes of inhibiting the hostile reactions of the more dominant narcissist. This submissiveness is, without doubt, a ‘survival’ strategy that the victim uses for self-preservation. However, these survival strategies can later add to feelings of shame, guilt and self-blame in adulthood.”
::: The common denominator :::
“Narcissistic abuse is insidious, it permeates the whole self. A child who has experienced narcissistic abuse, and has been conditioned to be a victim, are likely to find themselves being re-victimised again throughout adulthood. In adulthood, the victim will find themselves repeatedly on the dance floor dancing the convoluted dance with yet another dysfunctional narcissistic partner. Always the dance will be the same, all that differs is that the victim finds themselves dancing to another’s tune (i.e. whether it is in friendships, the workplace, or in romance).
But first, I had to discover the term 'narcissistic abuse’, and then I had to admit that I had been a victim of this form of abuse. This was quite a shocking revelation to me. Everything I had thought about myself up to now was being stripped away, and doubt was being cast on my own personality, making me question everything about myself. When I had carried out endless research, I had to admit to myself that I had experienced pathological narcissism at every level of the spectrum (The Dark Triad).
When I questioned how this could happen, it was only then that I began to realise that the one common denominator in these four relationships was ‘me’. That dawning was even more shocking, so shocking that it got my full attention. I then wanted to understand what part I played in these relationships? I needed to know if there was something that I was doing that was attracting these people to me, but what it could be, I had no idea. This was probably the best question I ever asked myself. I needed to know the answer to this question, because it meant that if I was contributing in some way to my own demise (which I was), then I needed to take responsibility so that I could break that cycle. This was a very empowering thought. It was in that moment that I committed to a journey of introspection and self-discovery, no matter the cost of shame.”
::: Narcissists project their shame :::
“Most articles speak of shame as an emotion, however, I see it as being much more than that. Shame, more accurately, is a condition that cuts to the very core of the self, eventually causing a struggle within the Self. Shame has the power to inhabit the mind in a way that leaves the person feeling chronically inadequate, deficient and faulty. These states of being then become the victim’s invisible default setting that casts a shadow on their life, restricting their personal greatness.
In my book ‘When Shame Begets Shame’ I take a look at many aspects of shame. (i.e. I look at the symbiotic relationship that exists between the narcissist and the victim. How together, they enter a highly-convoluted dance that causes havoc for them both, most especially for the victim who is forced to take up the victim stance. I explore toxic shame and narcissistic and victim vulnerability, and the survival strategies born out of such vulnerabilities. I look at shame as a defence mechanism against humiliation, and how healthy shame is transformed into unhealthy shame as the person experiences him/herself as flawed and defective as a human being.
I do a profile of the pathological narcissist as a spouse, parent, and in the workplace (as a colleague and as a boss). I show how they live parallel lives and becomes forged in very different ways. I shine a light on the narcissist’s and victim’s parasitic symbiotic relationship, and why the narcissist is addicted to objectifying victims as their source of 'Narcissistic Supply' (i.e. Primary Supply, Secondary Supply and Tertiary Supply). I explain the narcissists poor boundaries and their desire for perfectionism, and the affects these have on the victim.
I look at the narcissist as a dangerous sexual predator. I show how therapy can work well for the victim and create a brand new healthier image of themselves, but first the therapist must crush the distorted images that were created by their pathological narcissistic. I share some of the techniques of how I work with clients. From a spiritual perspective, I offer an explanation as to how the pathological narcissist and the victim may hold the key to each other’s healing and freedom at all levels of the self, and how they could even become a ‘gift’ to each other. And much more.”
“I am so excited by the trojan work that is being done in the area of narcissistic abuse awareness by The Echo Society and SONA. Their work is so valuable, not just for victims of narcissistic abuse, who need support, but for society in general.”
Christine Louis de Canonville’s book When Shame Begets Shame is available through her website, which also hosts a wealth of articles and resources on narcissistic abuse and its impact on survivors.
Photo credit: Claire Nolan, Photo House Dublin
To read more about Christine’s work and resources, please visit Christine’s website below:
Her new book called “When Shame Begets Shame” reveals how narcissists hurt and project their shame on to their victims. Here, Christine kindly shares some of her wisdom with us…
::: People pleasing :::
“In every narcissistic relationship, one will find both the pathological narcissist (perpetrator) and their victim partners in a convoluted dance. It is the job of the victim to ‘cooperate’ with their pathological narcissist, and to serve them (to caretake and validate them) in many ways. This is an unspoken contract that every narcissist expects their victim to honour. Children growing up with narcissist abuse unconsciously learn to use appeasement (i.e. being pleasing and passive, etc.) in the hopes of inhibiting the hostile reactions of the more dominant narcissist. This submissiveness is, without doubt, a ‘survival’ strategy that the victim uses for self-preservation. However, these survival strategies can later add to feelings of shame, guilt and self-blame in adulthood.”
::: The common denominator :::
“Narcissistic abuse is insidious, it permeates the whole self. A child who has experienced narcissistic abuse, and has been conditioned to be a victim, are likely to find themselves being re-victimised again throughout adulthood. In adulthood, the victim will find themselves repeatedly on the dance floor dancing the convoluted dance with yet another dysfunctional narcissistic partner. Always the dance will be the same, all that differs is that the victim finds themselves dancing to another’s tune (i.e. whether it is in friendships, the workplace, or in romance).
But first, I had to discover the term 'narcissistic abuse’, and then I had to admit that I had been a victim of this form of abuse. This was quite a shocking revelation to me. Everything I had thought about myself up to now was being stripped away, and doubt was being cast on my own personality, making me question everything about myself. When I had carried out endless research, I had to admit to myself that I had experienced pathological narcissism at every level of the spectrum (The Dark Triad).
When I questioned how this could happen, it was only then that I began to realise that the one common denominator in these four relationships was ‘me’. That dawning was even more shocking, so shocking that it got my full attention. I then wanted to understand what part I played in these relationships? I needed to know if there was something that I was doing that was attracting these people to me, but what it could be, I had no idea. This was probably the best question I ever asked myself. I needed to know the answer to this question, because it meant that if I was contributing in some way to my own demise (which I was), then I needed to take responsibility so that I could break that cycle. This was a very empowering thought. It was in that moment that I committed to a journey of introspection and self-discovery, no matter the cost of shame.”
::: Narcissists project their shame :::
“Most articles speak of shame as an emotion, however, I see it as being much more than that. Shame, more accurately, is a condition that cuts to the very core of the self, eventually causing a struggle within the Self. Shame has the power to inhabit the mind in a way that leaves the person feeling chronically inadequate, deficient and faulty. These states of being then become the victim’s invisible default setting that casts a shadow on their life, restricting their personal greatness.
In my book ‘When Shame Begets Shame’ I take a look at many aspects of shame. (i.e. I look at the symbiotic relationship that exists between the narcissist and the victim. How together, they enter a highly-convoluted dance that causes havoc for them both, most especially for the victim who is forced to take up the victim stance. I explore toxic shame and narcissistic and victim vulnerability, and the survival strategies born out of such vulnerabilities. I look at shame as a defence mechanism against humiliation, and how healthy shame is transformed into unhealthy shame as the person experiences him/herself as flawed and defective as a human being.
I do a profile of the pathological narcissist as a spouse, parent, and in the workplace (as a colleague and as a boss). I show how they live parallel lives and becomes forged in very different ways. I shine a light on the narcissist’s and victim’s parasitic symbiotic relationship, and why the narcissist is addicted to objectifying victims as their source of 'Narcissistic Supply' (i.e. Primary Supply, Secondary Supply and Tertiary Supply). I explain the narcissists poor boundaries and their desire for perfectionism, and the affects these have on the victim.
I look at the narcissist as a dangerous sexual predator. I show how therapy can work well for the victim and create a brand new healthier image of themselves, but first the therapist must crush the distorted images that were created by their pathological narcissistic. I share some of the techniques of how I work with clients. From a spiritual perspective, I offer an explanation as to how the pathological narcissist and the victim may hold the key to each other’s healing and freedom at all levels of the self, and how they could even become a ‘gift’ to each other. And much more.”
“I am so excited by the trojan work that is being done in the area of narcissistic abuse awareness by The Echo Society and SONA. Their work is so valuable, not just for victims of narcissistic abuse, who need support, but for society in general.”
Christine Louis de Canonville’s book When Shame Begets Shame is available through her website, which also hosts a wealth of articles and resources on narcissistic abuse and its impact on survivors.
Photo credit: Claire Nolan, Photo House Dublin
To read more about Christine’s work and resources, please visit Christine’s website below:
Unless you’ve been through it, it’s hard to explain the pain narcissistic abuse causes.
I would feel pathetic telling people about the covert abuse that I had endured on a daily basis. I could see people wondering what I was so bothered about, so I would keep it to myself, and withdraw, to avoid having to explain an anguish I could never explain.
Everything possible was done to undermine my support network, even trying to alienate close family members from me, behind my back. My abuser wanted me alone, isolated, without support and apologising for their lies.
It’s only when I met others at an Echo Society support group who truly understand your experience that you start to see the abuse for what it is. People would say: ‘I’ve had exactly that illogical, manipulative conversation too’ and everyone in the room would nod and feel the burden lifted a little. I would begin to feel a bit more sane. Only then could I start to remember the person I was before all this began and to remember what a sane relationship feels like.
Unless you’ve been through it, it’s hard to explain the pain narcissistic abuse causes. These people just don’t switch off, they never take a day off.
Everything possible was done to undermine my support network, even trying to alienate close family members from me, behind my back. My abuser wanted me alone, isolated, without support and apologising for their lies.
It’s only when I met others at an Echo Society support group who truly understand your experience that you start to see the abuse for what it is. People would say: ‘I’ve had exactly that illogical, manipulative conversation too’ and everyone in the room would nod and feel the burden lifted a little. I would begin to feel a bit more sane. Only then could I start to remember the person I was before all this began and to remember what a sane relationship feels like.
Unless you’ve been through it, it’s hard to explain the pain narcissistic abuse causes. These people just don’t switch off, they never take a day off.
I had all the puzzle pieces very early on in the relationship but it took me close to two decades to put all of them into one coherent picture.
"I had all the puzzle pieces very early on in the relationship but it took me close to two decades to put all of them into one coherent picture. It was a 10.000 piece seascape, all blues, greys with flecks of white and green. I was often frustrated and confused with the opaque, nonsensical and contradictory communication, promises never followed through, disdain, and later on affairs (all denied or downplayed). I did not understand that he needed my torment in order to feel good. I did not understand that he needed to cause chaos and anguish in order to construct his existence.
My ‘aha’ moment came in 2009 after reading Julie Metz’ Perfection. I felt relief, shock and fury in equal measure. The ‘relationship’ I had tried to make work for so long had never existed in the first place. For him, I was narcissistic supply, not a lover.
Looking at the facts was often difficult and made me take a long hard look at my childhood. I felt like an idiot for not having worked things out sooner, I felt betrayed, gaslighted into a life that was informed by other people’s deformed needs but over time, armed with knowledge and support I have come to understand that I’m the lucky one. I have my life."
My ‘aha’ moment came in 2009 after reading Julie Metz’ Perfection. I felt relief, shock and fury in equal measure. The ‘relationship’ I had tried to make work for so long had never existed in the first place. For him, I was narcissistic supply, not a lover.
Looking at the facts was often difficult and made me take a long hard look at my childhood. I felt like an idiot for not having worked things out sooner, I felt betrayed, gaslighted into a life that was informed by other people’s deformed needs but over time, armed with knowledge and support I have come to understand that I’m the lucky one. I have my life."
Finally, my eyes opened to the gaslighting, hoovering, love bombing and manipulation.
"I always knew there was something not quite right with my husband. I met him at work and saw how he manipulated everyone but he was fiercely intelligent and had a different energy about him. Almost right away I fell in love with him.
When I met him, I was in a happy, stable long-term relationship and yet, almost instantly, I started planning to leave my partner to move in with him. He knew I wanted children and he made sure I got pregnant. From then on, with a child together. I was totally at his mercy.
I had doubts, wanted to leave and suspected affairs… He suggested marriage counselling together during our marriage. One day, the counsellor called me in for a private chat and told me to leave him that my child and I were in great danger: that he was a psychopath. I thought her unprofessional and was so disgusted by her suggestion that I cancelled the rest of the sessions.
On reflection how I wished I listened to her at the time.
But his arguments were always plausible, his explanations credible… “We’ll have a better life...” “We will have more money...” “We will be able to give our child a better education, pay for university...” Every time making us move countries, leave my jobs, never buying a property, making our child move school many times.
Until many years down the line, he had me exactly where he wanted: in a foreign country, with no job, financially dependent on him.
Finally, my eyes opened to the gaslighting, hoovering, love bombing and manipulation that he was subjecting my daughter and I to. We could both see it. That was it, I threw him out. I am now going through a horrendous divorce."
When I met him, I was in a happy, stable long-term relationship and yet, almost instantly, I started planning to leave my partner to move in with him. He knew I wanted children and he made sure I got pregnant. From then on, with a child together. I was totally at his mercy.
I had doubts, wanted to leave and suspected affairs… He suggested marriage counselling together during our marriage. One day, the counsellor called me in for a private chat and told me to leave him that my child and I were in great danger: that he was a psychopath. I thought her unprofessional and was so disgusted by her suggestion that I cancelled the rest of the sessions.
On reflection how I wished I listened to her at the time.
But his arguments were always plausible, his explanations credible… “We’ll have a better life...” “We will have more money...” “We will be able to give our child a better education, pay for university...” Every time making us move countries, leave my jobs, never buying a property, making our child move school many times.
Until many years down the line, he had me exactly where he wanted: in a foreign country, with no job, financially dependent on him.
Finally, my eyes opened to the gaslighting, hoovering, love bombing and manipulation that he was subjecting my daughter and I to. We could both see it. That was it, I threw him out. I am now going through a horrendous divorce."
He would constantly use triangulation against me with anyone he could think of. All the while, never
I admit it was a lovely feeling to be adored. This man decided after a couple months of dating that I was his soul mate, his angel, the most beautiful woman in the world. I received earrings and a heart shaped necklace, love songs, pet names, love notes, phone calls, videos, his t-shirt with 'I love you' on the label. He was affectionate and the sex was wonderful, attentive and loving. He was communicative, always encouraging me to tell him everything. He became my utter confidante. If anything went wrong in any way, he was the one I turn to and he reminded me every day that he was mine, I was his, and he would die for me, do anything for me.
The man I fell in love with then became something totally different. No more pet names, no more I love you’s, no more texts, no more talking - and when he did, it was cursory. He started teasing me about things I had confided in him about, and worst of all, punish me for things that happened before meeting him.
On the rare occasion we went out, he wouldn't touch me or be affectionate with me. He would constantly use triangulation against me with anyone he could think of. How funny the guys at work were, how nice the waitresses were, how the woman on his flight home sat next to him with her hand on his knee, how his ex-girlfriends’ always wanted to be friends with him, the woman in the shop bought him ice cream, the women outside the cafe were whistling at him. All the while, never ever ever saying anything nice to me or about me.
I was a complete nervous wreck. I was adrenalised 24 hours a day and could not eat, sleep or work. I was off work for 6 weeks and couldn't function at all. I went home to see my mum for a couple weeks, and the first hoovering began. All in all it took me four attempts to leave this man.
The hardest thing I have had to look at through all this is... Why would I put up with such treatment? I have always known I have had self-esteem issues, but to look at it now is truly a painful experience. Looking at myself thinking how vain and silly I was for accepting the love bombing at all, where maybe a 'normal' person would actually be put off by it.
The man I fell in love with then became something totally different. No more pet names, no more I love you’s, no more texts, no more talking - and when he did, it was cursory. He started teasing me about things I had confided in him about, and worst of all, punish me for things that happened before meeting him.
On the rare occasion we went out, he wouldn't touch me or be affectionate with me. He would constantly use triangulation against me with anyone he could think of. How funny the guys at work were, how nice the waitresses were, how the woman on his flight home sat next to him with her hand on his knee, how his ex-girlfriends’ always wanted to be friends with him, the woman in the shop bought him ice cream, the women outside the cafe were whistling at him. All the while, never ever ever saying anything nice to me or about me.
I was a complete nervous wreck. I was adrenalised 24 hours a day and could not eat, sleep or work. I was off work for 6 weeks and couldn't function at all. I went home to see my mum for a couple weeks, and the first hoovering began. All in all it took me four attempts to leave this man.
The hardest thing I have had to look at through all this is... Why would I put up with such treatment? I have always known I have had self-esteem issues, but to look at it now is truly a painful experience. Looking at myself thinking how vain and silly I was for accepting the love bombing at all, where maybe a 'normal' person would actually be put off by it.
Narcissism in the Workplace: Having been admitted to hospital, I was fortunate to survive the first
Narcissism in the Workplace
"Having been admitted to hospital, I was fortunate to survive the first night. I spent nearly six weeks there recovering from meningitis. The hospital suspected the infection revealed an immune deficiency. But my immune system recovered thereby ruling this out. So in the absence of a physiological explanation, a psychosomatic one was proposed. Abuse was the likely candidate. There is no smoke without fire, as they say.
And even if abuse had not caused my poor health, addressing it now would provide a better environment within which to recover.
For two years prior to my admission to hospital, I had been on the receiving end of comments by a narcissist in the workplace that had undermined and belittled. A conversation between my solicitor and ACAS confirmed, in ACAS’ rather understated way, that some of those comments “most probably” constituted harassment.
The first attempt to address the issue had enflamed it before fizzling out. Issues were generated rather than resolved. And then nothing. I further felt betrayed by the Powers That Be. No doubt my reputation suffered damage. And at home our sex life suffered too.
Now, out of hospital, I filed a grievance, and requested mediation. The grievance was duly acknowledged. But I was threatened with further harassment in the mediation itself. So I sent two e-mails to clarify what action had been taken about the grievance (if any). These were met with silence. No one seemed bothered.
Having physically collapsed, I was now on the point of psychological collapse. A local church leader who knew one of the mediators accompanied me to meet them. I expressed my concern that I was not doing well and might “boil over”. I noted the correlation between this situation and my health. “I’m glad you’re still with us,” came the laconic reply.
Two weeks later, we spent mediation discussing a comment the other party had made about “humiliating” me. It seemed odd to me at the time. Then, we got on to the correlation between our dynamic and my health. This was met with a nod of disbelief and what might be described as a smirk. That smirk. I was tired. I was spent. I was recovering from serious illness. The next thing I knew I had hit him.
I regret that very much. I also regret the lapse in the duty of care. I regret the slow erosion of my self-control. I regret losing my job. I regret the stain it has left. But what more could I have done?
There also exist two narratives: the narrative recounted here, and the narrative that I lost it one day because I was “unforgiving”. My request for a shared narrative was rejected. This has been particularly painful. Who has been told this “unforgiving” narrative? Who believes it?
But since then another party has emerged with a similar story to mine. (Is their narrative false too?) And the first buds of hope have begun to emerge. This is hope that telling my story will count for something in the end, because I see it helping others here in the present."
"Having been admitted to hospital, I was fortunate to survive the first night. I spent nearly six weeks there recovering from meningitis. The hospital suspected the infection revealed an immune deficiency. But my immune system recovered thereby ruling this out. So in the absence of a physiological explanation, a psychosomatic one was proposed. Abuse was the likely candidate. There is no smoke without fire, as they say.
And even if abuse had not caused my poor health, addressing it now would provide a better environment within which to recover.
For two years prior to my admission to hospital, I had been on the receiving end of comments by a narcissist in the workplace that had undermined and belittled. A conversation between my solicitor and ACAS confirmed, in ACAS’ rather understated way, that some of those comments “most probably” constituted harassment.
The first attempt to address the issue had enflamed it before fizzling out. Issues were generated rather than resolved. And then nothing. I further felt betrayed by the Powers That Be. No doubt my reputation suffered damage. And at home our sex life suffered too.
Now, out of hospital, I filed a grievance, and requested mediation. The grievance was duly acknowledged. But I was threatened with further harassment in the mediation itself. So I sent two e-mails to clarify what action had been taken about the grievance (if any). These were met with silence. No one seemed bothered.
Having physically collapsed, I was now on the point of psychological collapse. A local church leader who knew one of the mediators accompanied me to meet them. I expressed my concern that I was not doing well and might “boil over”. I noted the correlation between this situation and my health. “I’m glad you’re still with us,” came the laconic reply.
Two weeks later, we spent mediation discussing a comment the other party had made about “humiliating” me. It seemed odd to me at the time. Then, we got on to the correlation between our dynamic and my health. This was met with a nod of disbelief and what might be described as a smirk. That smirk. I was tired. I was spent. I was recovering from serious illness. The next thing I knew I had hit him.
I regret that very much. I also regret the lapse in the duty of care. I regret the slow erosion of my self-control. I regret losing my job. I regret the stain it has left. But what more could I have done?
There also exist two narratives: the narrative recounted here, and the narrative that I lost it one day because I was “unforgiving”. My request for a shared narrative was rejected. This has been particularly painful. Who has been told this “unforgiving” narrative? Who believes it?
But since then another party has emerged with a similar story to mine. (Is their narrative false too?) And the first buds of hope have begun to emerge. This is hope that telling my story will count for something in the end, because I see it helping others here in the present."
I told my story to countless people hoping they could help me, doctors, counsellors, alternative therapists, hypnotists, human resources...
"In the early 1990s I experienced a sustained period of, what I now know to be, narcissistic abuse. First, from a romantic partner, then from a friend and finally from my boss. The abuse lasted about four and a half years and followed the usual pattern; Initial idealisation followed by chronic devaluing in the form of belittling, name-calling and withholding affection or credit and then the final discard and smear campaign when the abuser seeks to utterly discredit and destroy their target.
I was lucky. I was able to extricate myself from these situations before the abusers could destroy me completely.
After my escape I went looking for answers. What had happened to me? How could I recover from it? How could I heal? I just wanted my life back.
I told my story to countless people hoping they could help me, doctors, counsellors, alternative therapists, hypnotists, human resources...
The hardest thing in all of this is simply not being believed. The narcissists mask is so plausibly convincing. I found not being heard or believed actually more painful and damaging than the abuse itself.
Piece by piece over the years I have put it together. I finally heard about narcissistic abuse about a year or so ago – when the picture finally came together and I could understand not only what had happened to me but also that I wasn't alone.
Narcissistic abuse is horribly common and is slowly beginning to be recognised.
Since 2015 Coercive Control has been recognised as a crime.
It's a start.
I do not see myself as a victim. I was a target. I am a survivor.
I now aim to volunteer with the Echo Society because I do not want anyone to have to wait 25 years to get the answers or the support they need."
I was lucky. I was able to extricate myself from these situations before the abusers could destroy me completely.
After my escape I went looking for answers. What had happened to me? How could I recover from it? How could I heal? I just wanted my life back.
I told my story to countless people hoping they could help me, doctors, counsellors, alternative therapists, hypnotists, human resources...
The hardest thing in all of this is simply not being believed. The narcissists mask is so plausibly convincing. I found not being heard or believed actually more painful and damaging than the abuse itself.
Piece by piece over the years I have put it together. I finally heard about narcissistic abuse about a year or so ago – when the picture finally came together and I could understand not only what had happened to me but also that I wasn't alone.
Narcissistic abuse is horribly common and is slowly beginning to be recognised.
Since 2015 Coercive Control has been recognised as a crime.
It's a start.
I do not see myself as a victim. I was a target. I am a survivor.
I now aim to volunteer with the Echo Society because I do not want anyone to have to wait 25 years to get the answers or the support they need."
Margaret Parkes is a compassionate psychotherapist based in Dublin, Ireland.
Margaret Parkes is a compassionate psychotherapist based in Dublin, Ireland. Not only does she help individuals with a range of issues, including narcissistic abuse and recovering from codependency, but also works with organisations to facilitate personal development programmes. In addition, Margaret organises courses to train other therapists in working with victims of narcissistic abuse and the effects of codependency and addiction. These areas currently have limited understanding, not just in society, but in the therapy world too.
Here we share some of Margaret’s views on dysfunctional dynamics in organisations and how the patterns of pathological narcissism and codependency can transfer from the family system to the workplace…
Does co-dependency or unhealthy narcissism affect the healthy functioning of your organisation?
"Are many organisations dysfunctional? Are they run by executives and employees who are replicating co-dependent or unhealthy narcissistic dysfunctional family system patterns of behaviour, at a cost to their people and the organisation as a whole?
I have noticed in my work that increasingly clients are presenting to my practice with major stress issues due to the unhealthy functioning of relationships, particularly those in authority, in their working environments. They feel stressed because they are not allowed to voice or express their feelings which leads to their creative input being stifled and their personal needs not being met. They feel undervalued and fear dismissal if they give their views. They eventually lose their confidence and can become confused, fearful and lost to themselves. Such organisations have a need to control their workers and foster a need for external approval in their workers (co-dependency)."
The purpose of this article is to explore what might be going on and can it be changed, either for the client or for the organisation?
"Co-dependency may cause one to avoid the possibility of conflict at all costs and such people have a high tolerance for confusion and crisis, they are also very often peacemakers. Is it possible this tendency for co-dependency may be a conditioning from their childhood? I have found in my work that these clients were unconsciously playing their part replicating patterns of the past. Co-dependents often play a serious role in keeping unhealthy situations going but at a huge cost to themselves and others in their organisation. Furthermore, they may facilitate the unhealthy narcissist to continue their behaviour which in the long term is not helpful to the organisation.
Narcissism comes on a spectrum from healthy to pathological. In this article I refer to the unhealthy narcissist who can be charming but is self-serving, controlling, manipulative, unfeeling and disrespectful. They may feed off co-dependents to survive. They do not genuinely allow others to express different views, be creative or express feelings, creating an intolerable and unhappy working environment."
Reduced Organisational Performance
"This behaviour causes employees to become fearful, detached, mistrustful, demotivated and disconnected. This disconnection affects trust which is essential to the growth of an organisation and the company’s bottom line. Also, it can cause a large turnover in staff numbers…."
To read more about Margaret Parkes’s work, training programmes, and resources, please visit her website below.
Here we share some of Margaret’s views on dysfunctional dynamics in organisations and how the patterns of pathological narcissism and codependency can transfer from the family system to the workplace…
Does co-dependency or unhealthy narcissism affect the healthy functioning of your organisation?
"Are many organisations dysfunctional? Are they run by executives and employees who are replicating co-dependent or unhealthy narcissistic dysfunctional family system patterns of behaviour, at a cost to their people and the organisation as a whole?
I have noticed in my work that increasingly clients are presenting to my practice with major stress issues due to the unhealthy functioning of relationships, particularly those in authority, in their working environments. They feel stressed because they are not allowed to voice or express their feelings which leads to their creative input being stifled and their personal needs not being met. They feel undervalued and fear dismissal if they give their views. They eventually lose their confidence and can become confused, fearful and lost to themselves. Such organisations have a need to control their workers and foster a need for external approval in their workers (co-dependency)."
The purpose of this article is to explore what might be going on and can it be changed, either for the client or for the organisation?
"Co-dependency may cause one to avoid the possibility of conflict at all costs and such people have a high tolerance for confusion and crisis, they are also very often peacemakers. Is it possible this tendency for co-dependency may be a conditioning from their childhood? I have found in my work that these clients were unconsciously playing their part replicating patterns of the past. Co-dependents often play a serious role in keeping unhealthy situations going but at a huge cost to themselves and others in their organisation. Furthermore, they may facilitate the unhealthy narcissist to continue their behaviour which in the long term is not helpful to the organisation.
Narcissism comes on a spectrum from healthy to pathological. In this article I refer to the unhealthy narcissist who can be charming but is self-serving, controlling, manipulative, unfeeling and disrespectful. They may feed off co-dependents to survive. They do not genuinely allow others to express different views, be creative or express feelings, creating an intolerable and unhappy working environment."
Reduced Organisational Performance
"This behaviour causes employees to become fearful, detached, mistrustful, demotivated and disconnected. This disconnection affects trust which is essential to the growth of an organisation and the company’s bottom line. Also, it can cause a large turnover in staff numbers…."
To read more about Margaret Parkes’s work, training programmes, and resources, please visit her website below.
Both parents covertly and overtly Narcissistic has been a truly damaging experience.
"Being a part of a family where both parents are covertly and overtly narcissistic has been a truly damaging experience. The overt narcissist enjoys crushing any sense of pleasure or pride the chosen scapegoat child may feel in any of their achievements, belittling these as an unworthy accomplishments. They project the feelings of contempt they have for themselves onto the scapegoat, to feel a temporary and forced sense of superiority. As these projections are coming from a parent, the child grows up believing that they are inherently unlovable, that there is something ‘wrong’ with them and that they are destined to end up leading a debased life at the bottom of a barrel.
The covert narcissistic parent spreads their poisonous distortions throughout the family dynamic, guaranteeing that the sibling relationship is fertile with toxicity. This parent will often encourage the golden child to abuse the scapegoat of the family via triangulation. If the scapegoat child stands up for themselves, the covert narcissist parent will punish them by withdrawing emotionally, passive and 'not so passive' aggression and also use gaslighting techniques, often insisting that their memories are incorrect.
The sibling ‘golden child’ grows up to be even more abusive than the parents, as they believe this to be a normal way to relate to their 'scapegoat' sibling. They continue their abusive behaviour well into adulthood, often regressing into childlike behaviour; acting grossly inappropriately, completely disregarding any healthy boundaries and doing everything they can to sabotage any semblance normalcy in their sibling’s adult life.
However, once the scapegoat child is out in the world they tend to realise that the remainder of society doesn’t ‘react’ in a similar manner as their family of origin. As they become adults they tend to stay away from their biological family and the opportunities they have to ‘wake up’ from the cognitive dissonance associated with narcissistic abuse arises. This can allow them to become who they are truly meant to be and form loving relationships with people who genuinely love and respect them. In this way, they can pave the way to lead a life filled with happiness and be thankful that they are finally done with being a victim."
The covert narcissistic parent spreads their poisonous distortions throughout the family dynamic, guaranteeing that the sibling relationship is fertile with toxicity. This parent will often encourage the golden child to abuse the scapegoat of the family via triangulation. If the scapegoat child stands up for themselves, the covert narcissist parent will punish them by withdrawing emotionally, passive and 'not so passive' aggression and also use gaslighting techniques, often insisting that their memories are incorrect.
The sibling ‘golden child’ grows up to be even more abusive than the parents, as they believe this to be a normal way to relate to their 'scapegoat' sibling. They continue their abusive behaviour well into adulthood, often regressing into childlike behaviour; acting grossly inappropriately, completely disregarding any healthy boundaries and doing everything they can to sabotage any semblance normalcy in their sibling’s adult life.
However, once the scapegoat child is out in the world they tend to realise that the remainder of society doesn’t ‘react’ in a similar manner as their family of origin. As they become adults they tend to stay away from their biological family and the opportunities they have to ‘wake up’ from the cognitive dissonance associated with narcissistic abuse arises. This can allow them to become who they are truly meant to be and form loving relationships with people who genuinely love and respect them. In this way, they can pave the way to lead a life filled with happiness and be thankful that they are finally done with being a victim."
Michael Rowlands, Partner in Family & Divorce, Kingsley Napley LLP.
"I have for many years been representing people coming out of marriages where the other party is or is believed to fall somewhere on the Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) spectrum. The majority of these cases involve children and it is a miserable reality of family law that children often become the battleground in their parents’ drama.
There has been an enormous amount of publicity recently about the impact of Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) “a disorder in which a child, on an on-going basis, belittles and insults one parent without justification, due to a combination of factors including indoctrination by the other parent”. Among others, The Guardian headlined “Divorcing parents could lose children if they try to turn them against partner”. Despite the fact that the term was first coined by Richard A Gardner in the early 1980s, apparently the Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service (Cafcass) only “recently realised parental alienation occurred in significant numbers” of the cases that it dealt with, which makes some wonder what they have been doing as there are estimates that PAS is present in 11%-15% of divorces involving children.
PAS and NPD are realities, they are disorders that occur on a spectrum. The family courts have historically been slow to engage or recognise these disorders as they formed part of the “he said , she said“ Punch and Judy style nature of family litigation where the cry of PAS is the response to the mother who seeks to reduce or manage the time that the children spend with their father because she believes the control he exercised over her during the marriage has a new focus of supply - the children who he, a person who finds it difficult to form healthy relationships, will manipulate, without conscience or regret.
Things have changed.
In October 2017, a direction was made by the President of the Family Division advising how judges should deal with domestic violence and harm in children cases. The rules apply to “any incident or pattern of incidents of controlling, coercive or threatening behaviour, violence or abuse” which includes “psychological, physical, sexual, financial or emotional abuse”. These behaviours can often describe those of the narcissist, opening the door for an identification and recognition of the damage and on-going risks of such a personality type. The construction of the direction however, appears to exclude parental alienation.
There is a strong chance that the move to direct the family justice system in this way followed the introduction of the offence (under the Serious Crime Act 2015) of Controlling and Coercive Behaviour in an intimate or family relationship. The offence carries a maximum sentence of five years in prison. In my view and from my experience of past cases, it follows that the behaviour of a narcissist could now result in a prison sentence.”
Michael is a partner at internationally recognised law firm Kingsley Napley LLP, specialising in family law, including children, money and nuptial agreements. With over 30 years' experience, he is renowned for his exceptional client care and results in supporting people at highly sensitive and difficult times of their lives. He regularly acts for complex families where wealth is often intergenerational, multijurisdictional and involves trusts and offshore wealth. He advises international families on marriage, relationship breakdown and international relocation, particularly involving The UAE, America and offshore tax jurisdictions. Michael is recognised as a Leading Individual in Chambers, Legal 500 and Citywealth's Leaders List.
Blogs by Michael:
The challenges in divorcing a narcissist
Building resilience and keeping perspective when divorcing a narcissist
Children, divorce, narcissism and parental alienation – the perfect storm
To read more about Michael’s blogs and resources, please visit the link below:
There has been an enormous amount of publicity recently about the impact of Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) “a disorder in which a child, on an on-going basis, belittles and insults one parent without justification, due to a combination of factors including indoctrination by the other parent”. Among others, The Guardian headlined “Divorcing parents could lose children if they try to turn them against partner”. Despite the fact that the term was first coined by Richard A Gardner in the early 1980s, apparently the Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service (Cafcass) only “recently realised parental alienation occurred in significant numbers” of the cases that it dealt with, which makes some wonder what they have been doing as there are estimates that PAS is present in 11%-15% of divorces involving children.
PAS and NPD are realities, they are disorders that occur on a spectrum. The family courts have historically been slow to engage or recognise these disorders as they formed part of the “he said , she said“ Punch and Judy style nature of family litigation where the cry of PAS is the response to the mother who seeks to reduce or manage the time that the children spend with their father because she believes the control he exercised over her during the marriage has a new focus of supply - the children who he, a person who finds it difficult to form healthy relationships, will manipulate, without conscience or regret.
Things have changed.
In October 2017, a direction was made by the President of the Family Division advising how judges should deal with domestic violence and harm in children cases. The rules apply to “any incident or pattern of incidents of controlling, coercive or threatening behaviour, violence or abuse” which includes “psychological, physical, sexual, financial or emotional abuse”. These behaviours can often describe those of the narcissist, opening the door for an identification and recognition of the damage and on-going risks of such a personality type. The construction of the direction however, appears to exclude parental alienation.
There is a strong chance that the move to direct the family justice system in this way followed the introduction of the offence (under the Serious Crime Act 2015) of Controlling and Coercive Behaviour in an intimate or family relationship. The offence carries a maximum sentence of five years in prison. In my view and from my experience of past cases, it follows that the behaviour of a narcissist could now result in a prison sentence.”
Michael is a partner at internationally recognised law firm Kingsley Napley LLP, specialising in family law, including children, money and nuptial agreements. With over 30 years' experience, he is renowned for his exceptional client care and results in supporting people at highly sensitive and difficult times of their lives. He regularly acts for complex families where wealth is often intergenerational, multijurisdictional and involves trusts and offshore wealth. He advises international families on marriage, relationship breakdown and international relocation, particularly involving The UAE, America and offshore tax jurisdictions. Michael is recognised as a Leading Individual in Chambers, Legal 500 and Citywealth's Leaders List.
Blogs by Michael:
The challenges in divorcing a narcissist
Building resilience and keeping perspective when divorcing a narcissist
Children, divorce, narcissism and parental alienation – the perfect storm
To read more about Michael’s blogs and resources, please visit the link below:
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